I used to run a pattern that meant life was either a flurry of frantic commitment to a goal or a complete withdrawal from what I knew I ‘should’ be doing. It led me to feelings of hopelessness, overwhelm and despair. This unresourceful state lasted until I could muster the energy to recommit once more. I was all or nothing, in or out, start and stop, yes or no and the pattern was frustrating, detrimental and unproductive. It would challenge my relationship with myself and others and made me appear flaky, controlling and unsettled.
I hated this aspect of myself and nobody knew. Hidden beneath a thick layer of bravado and a plethora of ‘logical’ but incorrect reason why I was the way I was, I’d project my disappointment with myself onto those around me and damage my closest relationships. Then I felt terrible and didn’t recognise myself. To find a reason for my discontent, I’d decide I was in the wrong relationship and label myself unlucky in love. I’d turn to food to stuff down the emotion and up my exercise to burn it all off again. I’d then have no time to achieve the other things in life I wanted to create space for. It was unsustainable behaviour.
My frantic periods of ambition were misdirected and short-lived. They never quite delivered enough of the result I was seeking. Unbeknown to others, this start stop behaviour had me feeling like a failure. It was the thing that kept me up at night, sleeplessly seeking insights.
A large part of the problem was that I hadn’t found the right mix of solutions to my problems. I hadn’t collected sufficient parts of the jigsaw puzzle to see the bigger picture. I couldn’t see what I was trying to piece together. For example, I didn’t know that I had food allergies and how they were affecting my body, emotions and connection to source. We crave the food that we are intolerant to for the adrenaline rush it provides. It keeps us addicted even when it is bad for us. This was a significant puzzle piece. I didn’t know about emotional weight as another example. I didn’t understand how retaining weight means you don’t have to be seen, shine your light or live your purpose. I didn’t understand that remaining overweight felt safer on a subconscious level. I hadn’t discovered that achieving what my heart desires would have an element of vulnerability to it that I would need to get comfortable with. I couldn’t yet recognise why I would get so far and then something subconscious would derail me.
All this meant I was a yes and then a no to myself, up then down on myself, seeking then despondent, energy fuelled then lazy, driven then laisse faire. Looking and not finding was exhausting. I had to find a way to break this crazy cycle.
What I’ve come to understand it that the answer is never that you are mad, bad or sad! When we tell ourselves this, we break the divine flow of good that is always trying to reach us and our progress feels erratic. The issue is always that there is something hidden from our view that we don’t know or understand about ourself yet. Creating change that’s worth the effort and transformations that are sustainable is an inside job.
Never give up on what your soul longs to fathom
Get more curious.
Try something that your intuition nudges you towards because it feels like an adventure your inner knowing can’t refuse.
Profound personal change is a paradox. It may seem overwhelmingly difficult until you begin. In reality there is nothing to fear; it’s about changing to become more of who you really are. The more closely we align back to ourselves, the easier it becomes and the more momentum we gain. The more we allow what’s not working to fall away, the calmer life gets. The more we create loving boundaries to honour what we truly desire and declare ourselves only available for that, the less drama shows up in our life to take our energy and focus away from it. Change that’s worth the effort requires us to understand the forces at play and to know ourselves to ever deeper levels. Show up consistently and do what you can with the tools you’ve got. Get help to see your blind spots whenever you can and never give up on your dreams.
You’ve got this x